Today, and every day.....

".....and nothing works, nothing works but You."
(Leonard Cohen, from "Book of Mercy")

Monday, 16th March, 2015

Today is my parents' birthdays. Bth the same day, two years apart. He would have been 89, she would have been 87.

He beamed up when he was 70(too soon.....but its always too soon, no matter the age)

She was killed in a fire three years ago. They told me she didn't suffer. I'm glad. That's good. It's also an indescribably horrible, dreadful thing to happen. Yes, I know there are many lingering and painful ways to die; that's not the point.

Perhaps it's selfish? After all, it's I who am in pain, suffering....the sheer horror of the image of her tiny 4' 11" frame lying for almost two weeks, in the morgue, waiting for the autopsy. Took a long time to get *that* image out of my head, and as is obvious, it still returns.

And being estranged - my choice, my decision, necessity - for two yeSrs before that, and the police arriving at 7am on the Saturday morning( it happened at 3am on the Saturday morning; so, she died on Shabbat. I've read that that makes a difference. That helps me, a little)to tell me.....and seeing it on the tv news.....surreal, as though it was someone else.

And now widowed.

Life hurts, a lot. I'm fortunate to have some very good friends who support and care about me. I get comfort from my religion, and music, and reading, and writing. I love my cats, who ask for so little, yet give me so much.

And so it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut( I think) said.....

Happy Purim

So, as far as Im aware, Purim in Jerusalem is a day later; a walled city. That got me thinking....metaphors, symbolism....that line of thought.

In a way, having agoraphobia us like being in a walled city, though not from choice. Walled in, by my own fears and limitations, real and imaginary.

So, I'll happily take tomorrow, too, and have two "happy days"..... getting drunk on music and poetry, not alcohol. 

Happy Purim, whenever and wherever you are celebrating it.....

Farewell, Leonard Nimoy

“I guess it was because he was someone whose acting was informed by his values,” my dad said. “His spirituality. His decency. His intelligence. The way he brought that gesture of the priestly benediction into the mainstream, not as a joke or a wink, but as something meaningful and almost otherworldly, is just an amazing thing"

A quote from this article

  http://tabletmag.com/scroll/189326/a-family-says-goodbye-to-leonard-nimoy

on the death of Leonard Nimoy....

Accidental modesty

I've worn trousers most of my life. When I was four, my mother was trying to get me to wear a skirt, so put all my trousers in the wash, thinking that would get me in a skirt.

(I refused to go out until I got my trousers back)

I'm gradually increasing my observance(I view it as a spectrum, right across all the threads of Judaism) and the other day had a little lightbulb moment.

  I bought a long denim skirt(eBay. With the exception of underwear and footwear, I buy clothes secondhand, charity shops - though with agoraphobia, that's not so easy. Hence....eBay!) and I really like wearing it.

 And today, the phrase"accidental modesty" popped into my mind....that's how the skirt feels.  I know I'll not be a skirt only wearer, but it was a pleasant and inspiring thought.....at 59, I grew up with mini skirts and was a very....flamboyant?....dresser. Too much to go into here and now, but these days I dress for no one but myself.

Finding my way, step by step. Like putting together a jigsaw of myself....still the same pieces, but on the other side: same puzzle, just a different view. It's proving to be surprisingly interesting along the way.

Tikkun Olam in baby steps....

"This IS the world: Charlie Crews taught me that"......a fellow prisoner, talking to Ted, in "Life"

That caught my attention. This is MY world - my agoraphobic, cluttered, widowed, grieving, messy world. This is my world.

Therefore, it's up to me to do something about it: do something about MY world.

TIKKUN OLAM.

Make a difference....in MY world.

(and moderately - not all or nothing. It's not for me to finish the task, but to do my part)

"You're Jewish, you fool!"

I wrote this a while back, and it still feels right...

Long time ago, round about 1969, there was a tv programme in Scotland called "Se Ur Beatha" (apologies to Gaelic speakers if that's the wrong spelling) and it was singing and songs in Gaelic.

A friend and I at school, aged about 12 or thirteen, used to take adolescent delight in seeing what we thought the words they were singing sounded like: one was "You're Jewish, you fool!"

Anyway, back in October 2011, when I had my - what do I call it? Revelation? Spiritual experience? Moment of clarity? I don't know....but what ever it was, it was life changing, as that was the moment(and I have the vision of where I was, and what I saw in my mind's eye, clear as ever) when I knew I had found what I had been looking for, and it had been there all the time, waiting for me. Still not easy to put into words, and perhaps that's as it should be.

Anyway..... a bit later, I remembered "You're Jewish, you fool!" and THAT was the perfect way of putting into words what I would say to myself. Makes me smile. Nice. 

Nice to remember the friend, too....she was brilliant at science, and is probably a quantum physicist somewhere now.... her nickname was Atom.....we also shared a love of Monty Python, which has nothing to do with this, but makes me feel good to remember, and I'm all for good memories.

Morning thanks.....

Courtesy of my wonderful and super-cool Rabbi, Rachel Barenblat, AKA "The Velveteen Rabbi"....

Modah Ani.....

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=271YZsbm4IU

Here I am

I'm migrating from Wordpress, as, try as I might, I just couldn't get to grips with blogging there. I can read, comment, on other folks' blogs, but found it too difficult to get my head around. And I really do want to get back into blogging, so rather than keeping on trying and getting nowhere except frustrated, it seemed a good idea to try blogspot, having been used to blogging there a while back.

Will post this on the Wordpress, too,  if I can, so that hopefully anyone who follows me will join in in the new one.....

And hopefully will add to this, and make it interesting, even if only to/for me.....